Who am I? Where exactly do I come from in life and where exactly do I want to go? These are two of the most difficult questions to answer, especially if you have three different personalities like me. I guess you could start with physical descriptions and then delve into character traits, personality, ancestry, future hopes, past experiences, and innermost thoughts. Even then, can you ever REALLY know a person? Can you ever really know yourself? The human mind is so unbelievably complex that we may never find out that answer.
Lets start with the most obvious; my physical characteristics. I am 5’8” (taller than both my parents, brother, boyfriend, and all my friends), with blue eyes, and natural blonde hair that is usually either black or blonde. I’m usually quite slender, weighing in around 118, but at the moment I have a belly that pokes out with pride from the little boy growing big and strong inside. I have a large amount of tattoos and piercings, which cause people to wrongly and unfairly judge me before they’ve even said “nice to meet you”, but I just consider that their loss. If you look closely at my right temple you’ll notice a dent that becomes more apparent when I smile. It tells the story of sibling rivalry that turned into me getting a black eye; my brother tripped me and the corner of a square wooden chair pounded the side of my face. My ancestors come from Romania, Germany, and France, but I look like a stereotypical German girl. I have a very unique look; my natural traits are very wholesome while my appearance as a whole is anything but “normal”.
Now let’s get a little deeper: personality. I was born on June 21st, the cusp of Gemini and Cancer. Unfortunately for the people who have to deal with me, I have three personalities according to the Zodiac. It is very rare that I’m able to make up my mind, no matter how simple or complex the topic might be. My thoughts are very organized; I usually make lists for everything, but my apartment is messy. I’m very talkative and love meeting new people but I struggle with social anxiety around groups of people. I smoked a pack a day until I became pregnant and have a fast food habit, yet I am very health/body conscious and am going to school to study Nutrition and Dietetics. If you ask me to pick a favorite anything, I’m unable to. Except color, my favorite is green. It seems like every personality trait I have contradicts another.
On a different side of personality, we can discuss mood and personality disorders. Some of these of self diagnosed, while the majority of them were professionally diagnosed but are being handled without professional help or medication. My main and most hindering personality disorder is Borderline Personality Disorder. It is one that is becoming more widely known, thanks to movies such as Girl, Interrupted. Unfortunately, dealing with it in real life is much different than watching it on TV. I also struggle with depression, anxiety, and a mild form of paranoia. Luckily for me, I have a mother understands what I deal with from her own personal experience and a boyfriend who is extremely loving, patient, and understanding.
When I was younger, I always wanted to go to New York University to become a psychologist. In high school, I decided I would much rather be a Dietitian. Also, the option of hairdressing was always, and still is, a dream of mine. I plan on transferring back to the University of Rhode Island as soon as I complete all the general education requirements at Bristol Community College. I have always been fascinated with everything having to do with nutrition; I can tell you the calorie content of almost any food and I know exactly how to properly diet for effective long term weight loss. I also have struggled with an eating disorder for seven years and somehow managed to successfully recover without any outside help. My goal is to be a Registered Dietitian, not for diseases or conditions, but for people who need to lose weight and adopt a healthier lifestyle.
One of my biggest concerns at the moment is not being able to successfully graduate from college. I graduated high school with all A’s and one B, but I have absolutely no intelligence when it comes to science. I do not understand one single aspect of the subject and sitting in a science class actually makes me feel very unintelligent. It gets very frustrating because no matter how much I study and ask questions I still don’t understand the material. Unfortunately, the major I have chosen in college is a science major and has the do with the body and how it functions. Because of this, the majority of classes I need to take are science classes. I just started an anatomy class at the beginning of the summer and I immediately felt overwhelmed and frustrated. I barely received the necessary C to pass the class, and now I’m taking anatomy and physiology 2, which is bound to be more difficult. It’s going to take a lot of work and a lot of patience but I would feel so incredibly accomplished if I was able to successfully complete all the science courses needed in my college career.
Another one of my biggest fears at the moment is not being able to juggle school, my family, and work. I currently work full time as the assistant manager at Baker’s shoes in the mall and I find that I rarely have to time to do any homework or studying after working and going to class. I don’t plan on working nearly as much when I have my son, but I’m nervous that school will be a struggle. I’m going to miss a couple weeks very soon because I’m due September 30th but I’m hoping that I can catch up quickly after getting settled at home. Three of my four classes are online and the fourth one is at night so I don’t have to worry about finding a babysitter. However, it will be very distracting to simultaneously take an online class and watch an infant while my boyfriend is at work; my attention will not be fully on my schoolwork and I’ll get easily distracted. I know that going to school and getting my degree is in mine and my son’s best interest so I am determined to complete college. Plus, I should already be well into my junior year and I’m only beginning my freshman year, so I’m already behind.
Aside from school goals, my life goal is to be happy. That entails being a good wife and mother. My boyfriend, son, and future children mean so much to me and they deserve more than I can give them. Sometimes I don’t treat my partner the way I should and it makes me feel like the most terrible person in the world. You never know when you’re going to lose someone, and some arguments are just not worth the risk of being the last thing you said to each other. I never had a close happy family growing up and I feel like I have the chance to give my family something I’ve always longed for. The other part of being happy means enjoying your career. That’s the reason I’m in school; I want to be in a job that I’m excited to go to everyday. I’ve been in so many dead end jobs and jobs that make me miserable. I don’t want that for my future and I also don’t want to be in retail for the rest of my life. If I get my bachelor’s in Dietetics and pass the state test, I can truly be happy going to work everyday. Lastly, I need to learn to work on how I deal with situations; I am always on edge, over reactive, and jumpy. If I could teach myself how to relax about most situations I would be able to sit back and fully enjoy life. Luckily, I realize that this is a problem of mine, so I make a conscious effort everyday to enjoy the little pleasures of life and to let the little problems slide.
To sum of my life and myself is difficult, but I’m sure it’d be just as hard for anyone else. When it comes down to it, I’d like to believe that I’m a genuinely good person with a big loving heart. I have my faults, but who doesn’t? I may not come from the healthiest or most “normal” past, but that’s what makes me who I am an I honestly don’t think I’d be as good of a person if it were any different. I’m proud of myself and with a lot of hard work and determination, I’m sure I’ll be able to continue being proud of myself throughout my entire life.
